O
COLD OPEN
[glass smashing]
Vincent Price dangles Jack Nicholson out of the broken window
Jack, panicking: “All right! All right! I’ll tell you!”
Vincent: “I want the name!”
Jack: “Your wife was killed by a mob hit-man known only as… THE RAVEN”
[Vincent drops Jack, who falls to his death]
Title Sequence:
Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven
Directed by Sam Peckinpah
Edgar Allen Poe: [cue the zany xylophone]
I get it now! The filmmakers made the movie slow ON PURPOSE so that I could read all the #Monsterdon posts!
Looks like you signed up for the Basic tier, Mr. Colwyn. Unfortunately returning to your hand is a Premium tier upgrade.
Glaive enshitification
MGaaS: MacGuffin as a Service
Colwyn Googling: cyclops stuck in door
