@dlakelan @artemis
I forgot / didn't know you could send documents using signal. Nice

I'm going through a new round of accepting my disability & asserting my worth & dignity.

It is so hard sometimes, even in very accepting spaces. Even with people who have the same difficulties (internalized ableism is a trip)!

This is tough. It's tough for me to write this thread & not apologize for what a shitty, flaky, lazy person I feel I am sometimes. But no, I'm not doing that anymore & neither are you.

We are going to be so kind to ourselves. And then we are going to give the fash hell!

My trauma wants me to cage this all in a bunch of qualifications & promising I'm not "lazy", I swear!

My trauma wants me to say "I promise I'm not trying to shirk or get out of work!"

But why do I need to say that every day to everyone? Why do I feel I must justify my own existence?

We do the hard things when we must, but we don't have to apologize for the fact they are hard for us & we don't have to pretend they're fucking easy.

I don't need to apologize to anyone for the fact that getting out of the house is hard for me & group events are stressful.

There is nothing to apologize for. That's the hand I was dealt. Some shit that is easy for other people is really fucking difficult for me.

I'm not sorry this is hard for me, & I'm not going to lie about it.

I do have my skills & abilities. There is useful shit for me to do that is refreshing, not exhausting. I don't have to burn out just to "prove" I am willing to help.

I know this is the way that I can help other people the most: by caring for & accepting myself so that I will be able to give of myself because there will still be something there to give.

I know that.

I wish I could get my whole heart to believe it.

This thread is so long because I keep asserting the same things over & over again in different words, in hopes that the knowledge I have in my head will start to seep a little deeper into my heart.

My lord, I have made such amazing progress on self-love & self-acceptance, but I am still carrying a much heavier emotional load than I sometimes acknowledge.

Y'all, they traumatize the HELL out of autistic people starting from birth.

@artemis showing up is the first step. then you'll find out what needs doing.

I am deep in my trauma at the moment, just trying to put out the words I think will help me in hopes that they help someone else too.

I did not expect to tense up with such shame & stress from writing a thread this morning.

I've been finding so much joy lately in talking with you all & sharing things I've learned.

But it's easier when I am talking to you to speak with abundant grace, love, & compassion. It is not quite so easy for me to speak to & about myself that way.

My whole body is filled with tension. I just hit a deep vein of trauma, & oh there is a lot of ore to be mined.

Still, I am finding I *can* trust myself. My greatest fear, fueled by the shame & trauma, is that I will fail to show up for people when they really need me.

It terrifies me.

But I can trust myself.

How do I know I can trust myself? Because today I took the first steps to try to find local folks to get connected to. And I can trust myself to follow through. Why? Because I know how important this is for me, so "it's hard" isn't going to stop me & because *this time* I will give myself grace.