I was minding my own business and Boom! my nephew gave me syphilis.

Can’t make it to the game. Henry Cavill showed up and slept with my wife. I can’t decide if I’m offended or turned on.

Please forgive my absence, my Tinder date found my box of human teeth.

This is going to sound crazy but the ghost of Hitler died in front of me.

Get this, a high school marching band stabbed me.

Et tu, tromboner?

I know you’re going to hate me, but the kid from air Bud gave me syphilis

… I do not like this game

It’s like I don’t even know you

… I’ll take the antibiotics

I feel terrible but a high school marching band stabbed me.

I feel terrible but the kid from Air Bud is having a nervous breakdown.

I feel terrible but Dan Rather posted my nudes on Instagram.

…it’s like AI slop given tangible form…

Don’t worry, it’s sitcom rules so everyone involved was 18 for some reason. It doesn’t make it a lot better, true, but it does make it not a felony.

this is going to sound like an excuse but the ghost of Hitler just died in front of me. i gotta go.

no my high school marching band had a reputation for shitting beds. they hired a dude with ibs just to make sure they could get all the beds they needed shat

This is going to sound like and excuse, but the ghost of Hitler pour lemonade in my gas tank.

Also: I can’t go because the cricket team is having a nervous breakdown.

Commonwealth’s peeps tell me I’d this isn’t just a normal state of affairs? Something along the lines of Hockey players getting into fights, and American footballers having concussions?