Wandering Adventure Party

Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months AgoTallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she is diverting resources that could be used to help others. What do you think?The post Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/florida-hospital-sues-to-evict-patient-discharged-5-months-ago/

Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On RedfinA bipartisan group of Oregon lawmakers approved $2.1 million to buy the 92-foot-tall Abiqua Falls after it was put up for sale on Redifin, the previous Benedictine monk owners having put the natural wonder on the market earlier this year. What do you think?The post Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On Redfin appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/lawmakers-buy-waterfall-on-redfin/

ABC Cancels MormonismNEW YORK—Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. “After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move forward with the Mormon faith,” read a statement from parent company Disney Entertainment Television that […]The post ABC Cancels Mormonism appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/abc-cancels-mormonism/

American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load ’Er UpThe post American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load ’Er Up appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/american-baked-potato-association-study-finds-it-best-to-load-er-up/

Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From GroundWASHINGTON—Determined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nation’s fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. “I’m gonna slurp some gas out of this hole, and then while I’m spitting the gas into the bucket, you slurp up […]The p…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/dirt-covered-trump-boys-attempt-to-siphon-gas-from-ground/

Tips For Saving On GasGas prices are soaring, with the price of crude oil rising above $119 per barrel at one point Thursday. The Onion shares tips for saving money at the pump. Remove unnecessary weight from your vehicle, such as airbags, doors, and bumpers. Driving in reverse uses less gas, probably. Limit braking to weekends. Make a tank […]The post Tips For Saving On Gas appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tips-for-saving-on-gas/

Third Date Apparently Just Going To Be Watching ‘Amélie’ Without Any Hugs Or KissesMILPITAS, CA—After gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday that his third date with Hinge match Laura Parker was apparently just going to be watching Amélie without any hugs or kisses. “We’re an hour into the movie and Lau…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/third-date-apparently-just-going-to-be-watching-amelie-without-any-hugs-or-kisses/

Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter SquaresThe post Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter Squares appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/end-of-year-youth-hockey-banquet-spent-convincing-heavyset-teammate-to-eat-copious-amounts-of-butter-squares/

Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas StationsWASHINGTON—In a promise to address the pain Americans were feeling at the pump as his war with Iran approached its fourth week, President Donald Trump threatened Friday to launch airstrikes against U.S. gas stations if they did not lower their prices. “These terrible places must stop overcharging Americans every time they put fuel in their […]The post Trump Threatens …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-threatens-airstrikes-on-u-s-gas-stations/

Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center AgainThe post Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center Again appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-adds-name-to-kennedy-center-again/

Ryan Gosling Recalls Preparing For ‘Project Hail Mary’ By Consulting Katy PerryLOS ANGELES—Crediting the singer for sharing her unique expertise, actor Ryan Gosling told reporters Friday the story of how he prepared for his role in Project Hail Mary by consulting Katy Perry. “Katy was a tremendous help on set—I couldn’t have played Dr. Ryland Grace without her,” said the 45-year-old a…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ryan-gosling-recalls-preparing-for-project-hail-mary-by-consulting-katy-perry/

Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like BeesThe post Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-repeats-false-claim-that-iranians-produce-oil-from-bodies-like-bees/

Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With CoworkersCHICAGO—Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their office’s March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. “Mike was in the kitchen handing everyone printouts, and it was the first time we’d spoken since I told …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/office-ncaa-bracket-marks-yearly-interaction-with-coworkers/

Strait of HormonesThe post Strait of Hormones appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/strait-of-hormones/

University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do HairWASHINGTON—Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semester before dropping out t…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/university-of-toledo-named-best-college-to-attend-for-semester-before-dropping-out-to-do-hair/

Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile MilkmanPASADENA, CA—In what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virile milkman. “Our extensive DNA analysis shows that one hyper-fertile dairy deliveryman going…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/study-93-of-baby-boomers-fathered-by-single-virile-milkman/

DHS: ICE Can Enter Homes Without PantsThe post DHS: ICE Can Enter Homes Without Pants appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/dhs-ice-can-enter-homes-without-pants/

What To Know About ‘Project Hail Mary’Ryan Gosling stars in Project Hail Mary, an adaptation of the popular sci-fi novel by Andy Weir. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.  Q: Who does Ryan Gosling play? A: Ryland Grace, an eighth grade science teacher somehow still determined to save humanity despite having spent decades surrounded by middle […]The post What To Know About ‘Project Hail Mary’ appeare…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-project-hail-mary/

98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals Suspension For Mental FitnessU.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to step in after being suspended by colleagues over concerns about her mental acuity. What do you think?The post 98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals Suspension For Mental Fitness appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/98-year-old-federal-judge-appeals-suspension-for-mental-fitness/

Job Applicant Informed Role Of Pig Boy Has Been FilledMILWAUKEE—Dashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email Wednesday that the role of pig boy had already been filled. “While we appreciate your obvious skill at eating up slop and rolling around in the mud on your fat, pink belly, we have moved forward […]The post Job Applicant Infor…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/job-applicant-informed-role-of-pig-boy-has-been-filled/