Wandering Adventure Party

Conservatives Boycott All Forms Of EntertainmentWASHINGTON—Decrying the un-American nature of any activity intended to provide amusement or the slightest bit of diversion, conservatives across the country announced an immediate boycott Tuesday of all forms of entertainment. “The insidious liberal bias in music, movies, literature, and television is just the tip of the iceberg,” said Nashville, TN, resident Drew C…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/conservatives-boycott-all-forms-of-entertainment/

Rest Of Lakers Trying To Act Casual While LeBron James Spanks BronnyLOS ANGELES—As they stared intently at their phones and pretended not to notice the steady rhythm of smacks echoing through the locker room, the Los Angeles Lakers were reportedly trying their best to act casual Tuesday while LeBron James spanked his son Bronny in full view of the team. “Wow, yikes, he’s really laying into […]…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rest-of-lakers-trying-to-act-casual-while-lebron-james-spanks-bronny/

ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own FamilyCHICAGO—Saying he couldn’t remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family. The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had “hit the jackpot” when he realized that because his wife […]The post…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ice-agent-scores-easy-win-by-deporting-own-family/

Funeral Canceled Due To Runaway CorpseThe post Funeral Canceled Due To Runaway Corpse appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/funeral-canceled-due-to-runaway-corpse/

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pete HegsethDefense Secretary Pete Hegeth’s time overseeing the nation’s largest governmental agency has proven contentious owing to frequent security leaks, norm violations, and attacks on journalists. The Onion sat down with the military veteran and former Fox News host to discuss his tenure so far. The Onion : Mr. Secretary, thank you for joining us. If you […]The post The…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-pete-hegseth/

New Manning Begins Budding From Archie’s BackThe post New Manning Begins Budding From Archie’s Back appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/new-manning-begins-budding-from-archies-back/

The Beginning Of The EndPriced at $1.5 million, this two-bedroom bungalow will send a clear message to every working-class family still in the neighborhood that their days are truly numbered. Reference #7086The post The Beginning Of The End appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/the-beginning-of-the-end/

Mia Cutler and Xavier CarrascoThe happy couple wed Saturday in the presence of four loving guests and 176 indifferent ones.The post Mia Cutler and Xavier Carrasco appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mia-cutler-and-xavier-carrasco/

Starbucks Reintroduces Tiers To Loyalty ProgramStarbucks is reintroducing tiers to its loyalty program as part of a bid to entice consumers to visit more often, with the company claiming the current system doesn’t properly reward its most loyal customers. What do you think?The post Starbucks Reintroduces Tiers To Loyalty Program appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/starbucks-reintroduces-tiers-to-loyalty-program/

Pacers PA Announcer Just Muttering ‘Jesus Christ’ Over And OverThe post Pacers PA Announcer Just Muttering ‘Jesus Christ’ Over And Over appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pacers-pa-announcer-just-muttering-jesus-christ-over-and-over/

Tall Man, Bald Child Duos Applaud Representation In New ‘Game Of Thrones’ ShowLOS ANGELES—Emphasizing the power of finally seeing themselves represented on screen, duos consisting of one tall man and one bald child publicly applauded the HBO series A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms Monday. “As a man of above-average stature whose best friend happens to be a hairless child, it’s so meaningf…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tall-man-bald-child-duos-applaud-representation-in-new-game-of-thrones-show/

White House Aide Fired After Telling JD Vance About Super Bowl PartyWASHINGTON—Insisting the terminated worker had violated the terms of her employment by leaking highly sensitive information, the White House announced Monday that longtime aide Sandra Wilton had been fired for telling Vice President JD Vance about an upcoming Super Bowl party. “It’s difficult to imagine how this employee belie…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/white-house-aide-fired-after-telling-jd-vance-about-super-bowl-party/

Conservative Defends Child Molesters In Case He Becomes Child Molester SomedayHOUSTON—Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants, conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester. “Sure, I don’t have a…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/conservative-defends-child-molesters-in-case-he-becomes-child-molester-someday/

Groundhog Harassed By Dipshits In Stupid HatsThe post Groundhog Harassed By Dipshits In Stupid Hats appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/groundhog-harassed-by-dipshits-in-stupid-hats/

Fans Explain Why They Love K-PopThe Onion asked K-pop’s biggest fans to explain their devotion, in their own words.The post Fans Explain Why They Love K-Pop appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/fans-explain-why-they-love-k-pop/

White House Denies Flickering, Green Trump A HologramWASHINGTON—As concerns continue to mount regarding a potential decline in the president’s physical and mental health, the White House issued a statement Friday denying that a flickering, green Donald Trump was a hologram. Administration officials dismissed claims that the president had been wavering in and out of focus during recent public appearances and a…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/white-house-denies-flickering-green-trump-a-hologram/

DOJ Releases Jeffrey Epstein FragranceWASHINGTON—In the latest government disclosure about the late financier and convicted pedophile, officials from the Department of Justice announced Tuesday that they were releasing a Jeffrey Epstein fragrance. “The aroma of infatuation, the perfume of the forbidden…DOJ is proud to unveil its new signature Jeffrey Epstein fragrance, Crave by Jeff,” Attorney General Pam Bondi said at […]…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/doj-releases-jeffrey-epstein-fragrance/

Mark PlatzMark Platz, 51, passed unexpectedly Sunday. He is survived by his wife, his three children, and a massive secret collection of troubling pornography.The post Mark Platz appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mark-platz/

Pros And Cons Of Social Media Bans For TeensAustralia and France recently enacted social media bans for children, with other countries considering similar legislation. The Onion examines the pros and cons of restricting social media access for teens. PRO Easier to talk shit about them behind their back Prevents access to harmful material for the 10 minutes it takes to bypass safeguards More […]The post Pros And Cons…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-social-media-bans-for-teens/

Melania Trump Documentary Fails To Sell TicketsPoor ticket sales for Melania Trump’s documentary Melania have led to rescue efforts by the GOP that include buying out theater seats to mask the film’s box office struggles, though many are reportedly still uninterested in attending screenings even when tickets are offered for free. What do you think?The post Melania Trump Documentary Fails To Sell Tickets appeared …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/melania-trump-documentary-fails-to-sell-tickets/