Get this: the kid from Airbud stabbed me

I was minding my own business and boom! My Tinder date poured lemonade in my gas tank

This is going to sound like an excuse, but Dan Rather found my box of human teeth

I feel terrible but a sad clown died in front of me.

Doesn’t track. One less clown in the world, why feel terrible? (/s if it’s not obvious).

I got it from Dan Rather…

Don’t judge me:

It wasn’t the last one

/s

Is the “punchline” to that type of saying about a demographic you don’t like, with the added implication of why you’re doing something else that night.

Or just tell them why your car isn’t working:

I know youre going to hate me, but the ghost of hitler posted my nudes on instagram

If I tell them a high school marching band gave me syphilis, I’ll end up in prison.

So, will there be a second date?

I know youre going to hate me, but Dan Rather posted my nudes on instagram

This is going to sound crazy but my high school marching band just shit the bed.

I was minding my own business and Boom! my nephew gave me syphilis.

Can’t make it to the game. Henry Cavill showed up and slept with my wife. I can’t decide if I’m offended or turned on.

Please forgive my absence, my Tinder date found my box of human teeth.

This is going to sound crazy but the ghost of Hitler died in front of me.

Get this, a high school marching band stabbed me.

Et tu, tromboner?

I know you’re going to hate me, but the kid from air Bud gave me syphilis

… I do not like this game

It’s like I don’t even know you

… I’ll take the antibiotics